I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
