TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
