you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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