I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
