I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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