Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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