Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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