That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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