evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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