My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
