so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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