Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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