I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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