I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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