If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
ugly people sure do ruin things
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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