I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
