So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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