i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
