This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
