I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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