Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
