Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
