You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
