You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
