I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
