I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
