so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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