Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
