be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
