Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
zippers are such a cool invention
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
