my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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