I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
3pm strippers are depressing
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
