capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
