Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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