I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
