you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
