You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
