is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
