I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
