No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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