You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize
