my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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