dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
