I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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