He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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