you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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