BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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