Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
