Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
