Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
