I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
