went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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